One of the traditions I have enjoyed over the last few years is choosing a word. I have shared here and there on past words. What this last year has shown me is sometimes the word you start with takes on a whole different meaning than what you originally thought.
I was heading into 2019 with the word, Open.
I thought it held a particular meaning for me. At the time, I was seriously dating a man (with whom I thought I would eventually marry). I thought this word meant to be open to ways my life would look different than how I always imagined. Specifically, with the serious possibility of becoming a stepmom to his three children.
But early into 2019, I no longer felt peace and ended that relationship. It was sad, messy, and confusing. I was really surprised by my choice, but in the end, knew it was the right decision for my life.
So what did it look like now, to be open?
For me, it looked like giving myself space and time to process and grieve that relationship. I looked at the gifts, blessings, and also the things I did not like or would do differently. In time, I began to date again.
I knew I wanted to date a bit differently this time around.
Open.
I showed up as my authentic, Patty self and went on lots of dates.
I learned to trust myself even more, kindly turn men down, and walk away with ardent certainty on what are the most important things I am looking for in a serious relationship, and someday in a marriage.
I got a lot of practice in healthy dating principles; what it means to lean back into my own life and not try to make something happen with a man.
As the year progressed, what I thought my word for the year meant developed and changed.
I started out with a certain idea of what being open would look like for me.
As life unfolded, so did a deeper meaning of my word.
So that brings me to the final weeks of 2019 . . .
One night, I was tooling around late on my laptop and at random, decided to pick a word for 2020.
I did not have high hopes for anything terribly profound and was more expecting to get something random like the word toast (that did happen one year!).
I was surprised to see the word fearless staring back at me.
I would use a wide variety of words to describe myself, but fearless is not one I think I would ever pick.
I stared at the computer screen.
Over the next few days, I sat with the word more. I asked Jesus what He thought about this word, what He had to say to me about it.
For about a week or so, I kept coming back to fearless.
It rings true with me. It sits well in my soul, so 2020 will be my year of fearless.
I will choose to be fearless. I do not know how it will play out or develop over the next months, but I want to be more fearless in all areas of my life, especially when it comes to seeking the will of God in all the spaces of my heart.
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